Boston Legal Quotes

Claire: You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks, divulging personal intimate details. You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall. Do you think that's honest?
Bethany: Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson?
[Denny makes a pose]
Bethany: Maybe I did.

Boston Legal Quotes

Denny: I love dwarves! I was actually hoping you'd be one.

Boston Legal Quotes

Jeffrey: By the way, you are?
Denise: Drop dead.

Boston Legal Quotes

ffrey: Standing real close. It's okay. I'm a personal guy myself. As a matter of fact, I like to talk to people directly and not read their reports. That is why I went to see the coroner. Chatty little fella. Okay, that's a little too close now.
Jonathan Winant: Here's the deal.
Jefrey: I love deals!
Jonathan Winant: ... ... Do I make myself clear?
Jeffrey: You do. And if you think I've broken the law, arrest me. And insist on it. You're staring. That's cause you can't think of anything to say or Richmond told you that works. You know, when my mind goes blank, I just like to go with my old standby which is, of course,' Go screw yourself. Do I need to include instructions with that?' Everybody gives me the look.

Boston Legal Quotes

Denise: [to Shirley about Jeffrey] Excuse me, but did you say this man is a partner?
Jeffrey: She did. I could be your partner.

Boston Legal Quotes

Alan: Hello.
Claire: I know who you are. You're a little horny toad. Horny toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.

Boston Legal Quotes

Claire: This is abusive. Making me leave New York. I'm gonna call my parents and tell them I'm being abused.

Boston Legal Quotes

Claire: Who do we complain to here? The old people?
[Paul and Shirley get wide-eyed]

Boston Legal Quotes

Claire: Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I am very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf.
Bethany: What's that supposed to mean?
Claire: It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone...
[stares at Denny]
Claire: Him.

Boston Legal Quotes

Alan: To next season, my friend.
Denny: Same night?
Alan: God, I hope.

Boston Legal Quotes

Denny: Yes your honor, he gets me off, I get him off.
Alan: We're like flamingos.
Denny: Don't ask, don't tell.

Boston Legal Quotes

Judge Sanders: Mr. Shore! The court instructed you not to poop!

Boston Legal Quotes

A.D.A. Kupfer: Mr. Shore, I hope one day to speak at your funeral.

Boston Legal Quotes

[Discussing a case concerning cannibals]
Shirley: Because this case is disgusting, it's distasteful, it's repugnant...
Alan: Everything I stand for.
Shirley: I'll drive.
Alan: Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?
Shirley: [sarcastically] Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal just to get close to you.

Boston Legal Quotes

Alan: Excuse me, I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero-tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.
Claire: Ha! [points to Denny] Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.
Alan: Did he grunt as he groped? Because I found as long as he's not grunting you're perfectly fine.

Boston Legal Quotes

[Melissa walks in on Alan and Marlene having sex in the photocopying room]
Alan: We're developing pictures.
Marlene: We're photography buffs.

Boston Legal Quotes

Marlene: Brad, did you hear? Denise is getting married.
Brad: [to Denise] Really?
Denise: I was going to tell you.
Marlene: Sometimes it's easier to hear it from a third party.
[Denise attempts to hit Marlene, but she ducks as Denise's arm flies past]
Marlene: [emotionless] That could've hit me.

Boston Legal Quotes

Alan: There used to be a day when the pandering in our society was reserved for…
Denny: Politicians?
Alan: [laughs] Maybe that's what bothers me. Hollywood has sunk to the level of Congress.

Boston Legal Quotes

Shirley: Your Honor, Mr. Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives. There's one out there right now. It's going to take her years to get over this.
Ivan: No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.

Boston Legal Quotes

Alan: If I should ever like to drive your car...
Denny: I toss you my keys.
Alan: If I should ever need any money...
Denny: My check is blank.
Alan: Or need to pick your brain...
Denny: My mind is blank.
Alan: Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.
Denny: Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.